Research Paper of a Totally True High School Student.

Well, dear Imaginary Reader, here they are. The good, the bad and the...well, you know. Totally true excerpts from real research papers. This year's topics had to connect man and Nature. Can you find the connection?

All works are verbatim ( that means word for word) and sic-spelled. Sic semper English teachers, I say. 

1.It's Not Easy Bein' Green. 
Conclution: All in all, I  don't understand why electric cars and hybrids were allowed to be manufactured. When the idiot who came up with the idea and went to his boss to asked what he thought, his boos should have said "Jenkins, you idiot" and fired him. 

(Seriously, I think Jenkins is serving his first term in Congress now. )


2.Panda-monium
The panda bears are living in belts of bamboo less than a mile wide. Many pandas are forced to bread in zoos. Scientists have to dress up as pandas to make sure the mother will not attack. 

(I hope the belts match the purses at least.)

SCENE: The Panda Cage, around 10 pm.
Male Panda comes home.
Female Panda looks up, astonished.
FP: Wait. I thought you were....
MP: What?
FP: (remembering) Nothing....


3.Magnetic personality
NASA has been watching the North Pole move across the Canadian Atlantic for a while. It moves on average pace of 10km per year. Also on average from their data the Earth's magnetic field flips about every 300,000 years, so were long overdue.

Well, I guess I don't have to worry about those fines from the library then.


4. Officer Krupke,I'm down on my knees/ cause no one wants a fella with a social disease.
Many people look at an animal's beauty, or think if the animal is small it lookds tamable, but don't think about it growing it. The animals can also carry disease which has a very high percent that they will have some sort of disease, depending on what specie they are.

5.Forget Montezuma: Revenge is mine, sayeth the swine. 
Tourists stop themselves from going to Mexico and different countries that could possibly be infected with H1N1. There are thousands of different flu's, the swine is just a new strand.

6. Like Fish in a barrel.
This article is advising all fishermen to kill all snakehead fish they catch because this invasive fish is taking over the water eating every fish it finds. The snakehead has no natural predators. So it is roming the water without a threat. 

7. Ariel! Speak up, girl!
 Mermaids are said to lure sailors with their enchanting voices and then kill them.There are other myths about mermaid life, for example the Disney movie "the little mermaid" they live in an underwater utopia and live as basically humans underwater. 

Ok, "little mermaid" did not mean lower case. And you should have read the section about chupacabras. I had no idea.

So there you have it, Imaginary Reader. If you can't laugh, you'll cry, especially when you realize, as the immortal bardette Whitney Houston did, that Children are our Future. I think she was speaking of Children of the Corn, though.

Here's a poem. I'm hoping it helps.

Farsickness

Megan Harlan

         
              rough translation of fernweh (Ger):
              the opposite of homesickness.
Imagine a love turned out
as bread best cast
to the rivers, feedings
for smaller, far-flung things—
fire-flights of stillness,
forms alighting, then airborne,
until the breeze begins
to feel like hunger,
the wayward sweep of desire—
for the holy wheel
rotating foot, breath, and earth,
the pilgrim's chaff,
frayed and heliocentric,
in need of distance
as a horizon of prayer
to both call and receive.