Stranger than Fiction

Once upon a time there were three brothers with special powers. The eldest had the fearsome power of sarcasm  and beer;  the middle son had the ability to disappear; the youngest son had the power to paralyze himself and other people with laughter or flatulence, depending upon his mood.

The three brothers had a mother who loved them dearly. When they were but young boys developing their super powers, their mother said to them: If you work hard and study, and spend less time in front of those video games, you will truly be legends. But, the three brothers cared not for their mother's words. And so they spent vast periods of time playing video games that are now so antiquated that a fetus could win them.

As the three brothers grew older, they knew it was time to seek their fortunes outside of the house of their mother. They knew this because their mother kept changing the locks and they would have to take the basement window out of the doorframe to get back into their beds. Alas, one day they found bars on the windows, and so they set out on their own.

The first brother traveled far and wide, to the summer seas of Daytona and Key West. He learned about hospitality, and tattoos, and became a protector of baby turtles. He went to the beach and learned to ride the curl, and went to school and learned how to become a massage therapist. And he hung out a sign that said "Chicks Only Massage." And he lived happily ever after until his brother moved in with him. Then they called their mother each week like clock work to complain about pizza boxes in the beds, and plagues of cockroaches and to wonder how each could have such a lazy & annoying brother. And so the eldest brother took his sarcasm and moved to the trailer on the frozen tundra. And he lived happily ever after.

The second son wore a cloak of invisibility that was so comfortable that he forgot to take it off, except when he was at work. Every once in a while, his mother would hear a rumor, but it never materialized. So the mother just imagined that her second son was happily turning a wrench up on the frozen tundra and raking in the money and frittering it away.  And he found a princess, but she lived too far away; then he found another, but she also left him; and he found that the cloak of invisibility was a mixed bag. But by then, the zipper was stuck and he couldn't get it off. So he arranged for direct deposit of his mighty paychecks and lived happily ever after.

The third son remained funny and thoughtful but also continued eating dairy, even though it caused horrible eye-watering flatulence. He donned a poncho of invisibility that was much smaller than that of his brother's, and since it was a poncho, the zipper didn't stick and  he was actually visible from time to time. He sat in the lonely trailer-cave on the frozen tundra and wished for his family. And the next thing you know, his two brothers moved in with him. And he was sorry then, for they both picked on him, but he bought a gallon of 2% milk and then they found out who was sorry after that.

And so the three brothers lived together in the frozen tundra for a long long time. And they never called their mother, unless they were drinking, so as to make the conversation more interesting. And their mother got a Master's Degree and moved on but every day she wished she could get her hands on a time machine.

THE END